Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
