Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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