Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
