I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
