I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
