My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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