I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
