That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
