my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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