She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
