I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
