Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He passed out mid-signature
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
