it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
