I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
