I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
