im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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