took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Never underestimate the power of titties
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
