And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
