so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
