I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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