That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
