I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
