thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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