He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
