i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
