hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize