He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
