Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
