Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
BRING THE BAGELS
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize