evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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