i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
