Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
