Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
