Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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