Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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