I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
