Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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