we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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