someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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