i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
