So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize