Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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