I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
