Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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