I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
