You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
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