new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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