The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
from now on my penis is your penis
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
