I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize