After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
