I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
