my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
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