So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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