does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
