I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
