Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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