Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
