You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
