A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
