when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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