He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
