I wanna bring you to show and tell
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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