I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize