I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
