He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
