the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
