how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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